Spalding area's John Ward shares the fun of his money washing machine, working with Coronation Street's Eddie Yats and other fun
During the ongoing virus epidemic plus it's assorted effects in various situations that seem to be never ending although there is a certain amount of unintentional comedy attached in some cases.
I was in the kitchen as I heard two strident, okay loud then, notes from a vehicle’s horn, or in this case a lorry to be exact, as I went outside to see a courier there as he had seen me at the window and was climbing out his cab.
Standing by the cab, he shouts across: ‘Your name Ward, Sir?’ as I confirmed it was as he asked me to stand where I was, not to approach him as he had a parcel, large for me.
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He then went to open the back of the lorry, then manhandled the said item out and then proceeded to carry/struggle across towards me with it and then deposit it at the pathway leading to our abode.
He then tells me from a ‘safe’ distance that the company policy now is while the virus is with us, that he and his fellow drivers are not to come into direct contact with customers as he then asks my full name and address as printed on the item label and I confirm it.
Next he has the now usual electronic receipt keypad and how would ‘I like to sign for it? - either as a J W or just a plain X?’ - as a form of acceptance.
I replied that an X would suffice as about every four years or so I do the very same thing for somebody else, but while he has never thanked me personally or given me a parcel in return so this occasion would be different as I will have a parcel in exchange.
After hearing that, he then goes through a process of - I think it’s called ‘cracking up’ - as he struggles to get back into his cab while giggling away.
I am not allowed to help him - company policy you understand.
Next up I was trying to buy some bits in a large store (small stock until further notice) as a queue had formed but before the assistant came to the till, she shouted out loudly: "Card only - no cash will be accepted as its now company policy due to the virus."
This had four of the seven people putting stuff back on the shelves then walking out with mumblings from: "I don’t have a card nor do I want one at my age" to "I don’t know how much I have in my account so I dare not risk it."
Cashless society anyone?
By the time I got to the fast dwindling top of the queue I asked about the ‘policy’ but it seems money is deemed to possibly carry germs although other outlets/shops are accepting cash of course but have invested in rubber gloves and face masks for their staff etc.
Admittedly some staff seem to have kitted themselves out as looking like they have come straight from the 1950s sci-fi film "Quatermass and the Pit" by nearly wearing biological warfare outfits (not to be confused with biological soap powder) but at least it shows enterprise plus common sense.
As I walked away from 'World of Cards Only Accepted' it suddenly came to me that perhaps I was well ahead of the game as years ago I made a 'money washer' to deal with, well, dirty money.
History stuff then: 'The Ward-A-Matic Money Washer' (all contained in a black plastic dustbin) was created for a programme for Anglia Television as part of their contribution for the ITV Telethon, a programme shared over 48 hours during a weekend to raise funds for charity.
They ran in 1988 - I did a bit for then Thames Television, then in 1990 as I did my bit for Anglia Television with 1992 being the last one where I did my thing for then Central Television with all the shows hosted by Michael Aspel .
The idea was all (then) regional ITV stations did their own thing and it seemed to work okay although my only surprise was at being invited to take part in all three of them by various stations so I assumed I must have been doing something 'right' for a change but it was fun, live and full of silliness.
The Anglia event had me paired with Geoff Hughes, who played the ex-Coronation Street Eddie Yates character for years, Onslow in Keeping Up Appearances as he went to be Vernon Scripps in Heartbeat among many other performances as he also did theatre and pantomimes as well.
We knew each other beforehand as we had appeared at assorted promotion events before (and after) plus at one time we only lived a few miles away from each other so we knew what we 'could get away with' fun-wise plus being live even more fun - for us at least.
It was a sunny Sunday afternoon that we had our ‘slot’ as we did a dry run of sorts - we ran the ‘money washer’ through its paces and all worked okay and we would ad-lib it all once we were introduced and away we would go.
This was being staged outside the then Anglia shop/news unit in Abington Street, Northampton, with others invited to appear plus assorted members of the public.
So far so good.
There was always an air of mystery as in those days assorted news clips were transmitted live outside the premises on the About Anglia local news programme as in 'and now from around the region' sort of thing.
Up until that point, some of us viewers had often wondered why the presenter was always seen in the same position outside the shop doorway - the shop across the way in the background had so much free publicity it was beyond belief - but now we were to find out.
The simple reason was the cable from the ENG static camera was a specific cable length as it only reached to just beyond the doorway, hence the same shot.
By the time we came to do the Telethon event, the cable was still the same length, so to say it cramped things slightly would not be an exaggeration.
Worse was to come and perhaps the fodder for 'It’ll Be Alright on the Night' as three minutes before 'going live' somebody trod on the cable and it was pulled from the camera!
Wild guess as to who had the only small enough screwdriver to quickly make a quick repair?
While everybody was in headless chicken mode, I quietly did a bodge on the coupling and literally with seconds to spare we did indeed ‘go live’.
So we went out live as per our scheduled slot on the network and all went well we were told afterwards.
The knock-on effect was my 'cheap and cheerful' device/invention plus myself were in demand at assorted fundraising events plus of all things an invite by a well know High Street bank that held a summer gala to raise funds for their designated annual charity.
I smiled inwards slightly when introduced as the main guest 'with his renowned (?) money washer' that put the term money laundering into another perspective but I think the irony was slightly lost on the organisers.
